What makes me happy

This weekend we stayed in a small AirB&B in New Mexico. It was the perfect size for one, possibly two people (but if I’m being honest I would just want it all to myself). Two story, rectangle in shape, historic looking brick, squeaky old wooden floors and a decent size kitchen for the small size of the home.

I could see myself drinking coffee on the porch in the morning and wine at twilight. I visualized how I would move the kitchen sink to the window, install a gas stove, bring in a butcher block, and change the half bath into a laundry/pantry. I began to imagine how I would arrange the bedroom and reconfigure the closet and bathroom to suit my needs. The room at the top of the stairs would make a perfect work space for when I’m a working writer and also have room for a reading nook.

It was cozy and quaint and a little bit story book. It was like I had a small glimps into an alternate dimension or a vision of the future when the kids are grown and I’m able to have both my loving husband and a private house all my own.

As we left New Mexico and traveled across the Texas panhandle towards my parents house my mood changed with the landscape. Foothills, plateaus, rolling green hills full of life, and open spaces that still held the memory of no fences gave way to flat, dry and dusty plains as far as the eye could see. Parched trees and forgotten oil derricks dotted a prairie yellow from drought. The temperature jumped to triple digits and promised to stay that way longer than the land was used to. The days of normal summer temperatures in the panhandle and Oklahoma plains are long gone. We have created a summer hellscape and now lament our creation.

In the middle of this bleak landscape, past abandoned homes and rundown stores sits a tiny oasis.

My parents have created a Shangrala on just a few acres. Thanks to a well that supplies the sprinkler system and a creek bed that floods in the spring, creating a cradle of trees that house birds, squirrels, and turkeys; green grass grows. Thanks to the creative vision of a landscape architect and the hard work of a loyal gardener, this peaceful place magically appears like a mirage in the desert but only if you know where to find it.

What started out as a typical ranch style house in the 90’s grew over time. It was added to and added to again to create a sprawling and beautifully appointed home. It’s just the two of them in their 70's whose children have grown and flown more than twenty years past. For years I have tried to get them to move closer to me and their grandchildren only to be met with resistance at every suggestion. The thought of changing towns, leaving their network of friends and attempting to find new ones is too overwhelming.

Recently I tried to reason with them that downsizing what the next logical step. Why would only two people need such a large home with so much stuff? I suggested that even if they didn’t leave their town, surely the cost and stress of maintaining their current lifestyle was getting old and wouldn’t a smaller place be better? Alas, I continue to run up against a brick wall. The idea of deciding what stays and what goes from a household of items collected over fifty years of marriage is too heartbreaking. (That task will be left to me) Reducing the number of bedrooms would mean that my mother would have to face the realization that her son will never actually visit. She holds out hope that if she has space for him and his children they might make the trip. The fourth bedroom is the only thing keeping that hope alive. It drives me crazy that my parents (namely my mom) are so stubborn when it comes to their home and possessions.

They have created a gilded cage that only they have the key to.

I’ve made peace with the fact that they won’t leave their tiny and dying Texas town or give up living at home until it’s an emergency or worse. I just wish it was a smaller home with less stuff…so I have less to deal with when that time comes. It’s selfish, I know. But it’s what every adult child of a Boomer or Silent Gen is facing.

Back to my little AirB&B. As we drove away from New Mexico I tried to explain to my husband how my surroundings effect my mood. Namely, the nature I get to look at everyday and the temperatures I have to endure. Natural beauty and reasonable (by reasonable I mean summers in the 90s and not 100s) temperatures play a big role in what makes me happy. I don’t have to have a huge house with lots of rooms full of stuff but I want it to be pretty and feel like it represents me. I don’t have to live in the middle of a red wood forest or on a cliff overlooking the ocean (although I wouldn’t turn it down if it magically happened) but I want to be on my back porch and hear the sounds of nature instead of cars and mowers and leaf blowers. Real nature is one of the places I feel God around me and talking to me.

For me, natural beauty is is the key to happiness.

So when my mom said that she wants a house full of friends something inside of me clicked. I heard her say that she is happy when she is entertaining, serving, making people feel welcome. She is fulfilled when she is filling plates and is appreciated for it. If she needs big rooms with lots of comfortable seating to host guests, who am I to deny her that?

I realized that my selfish desire to downsize my parents home and belongings would take away my mom’s joy. She wants all her stuff around her. Okay, no skin off my nose. I’m going to be the one dealing with it sooner or later so lets just make it later. What does it matter if I help get rid of their stuff now or when they are gone? In fact, it might be easier to deal with all. the. stuff. after they are gone. I won’t have to go through every little thing with them; asking them to say goodbye to it, find new homes that they approve of for dishes and silver and clothes and old photos. I can just make the decision myself. Auction, estate sale, giveaway or trash. Who cares? Let them enjoy all the things they have collected over a lifetime in the years they have left. They can’t take it with them into eternity so enjoy it now. I’ll deal with it later.

A big house may be impractical for just two people but if it gives them a feeling of security then go with God.

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