Insecurity

I want to tell you this:

But can I say this to someone? Is it fair? I am frustrated, trying to understand what to do and how to be logical when all I can do is to feel, and cannot even tell what I am feeling precisely. And I did try. Yesterday, I meditated (which I never do, I do not even know how to do it), I tried to think about what I am feeling (not getting very far), I did yoga (I am trying really hard, as you can tell). But I ended up crying in the shower, feeling left alone with my frustration with no one to turn to, and holding a huge hole inside me that makes me feel I am falling apart rather than I am getting empowered with my choices.

I remember feeling guilty for my own feeling since I was a child, as if I was not entitled to them. So when my emotions would appear, I would try to hide them or mystified them for something else. This turned out to be a major problem in my adult life. I do not know how to deal with my emotions, I do not know how someone gets angry with another person without being mean, bitter, and making the situation worst. All of these inadequacies that I have made me feel even guiltier. Because I am a grown-up adult, and I should know better. Just that I don’t — I still feel like I am that child.

In my previous long-term relationship, I tried to face this fact and grow up on it. I came to realize it is impossible to live with someone without telling how you feel, otherwise, the relationship will fall apart. It did fell apart, but I also did try. And whenever I talked about my feelings, the other person would laugh in my face. He would diminish them, telling me how insignificant they are. When I told him (times and times again) that this is not how it is supposed to work, he never tried and I was left alone with someone laughing over my emotions; again, making me feel I cannot have them. Making me feel a bad, stupid, childish person. Yesterday, all of this erupted inside me. And still today I do not feel I can control it, and I have no idea what I should do more since I run out of options (writing here is actually another attempt).

So — yes — the ghost of my past still lives in me, and because of that, I am not sure if I am right about feeling the way I am right now; or if this is a chasing game and I am being hunted. Either way, I have no idea how to deal with a situation that asks me to act in a logical way, as my emotions blur my view, my assessment, and just make me far away from everything (including far away from myself).

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