What Filmmaking Means to Me

FADE IN:

INT. FILM CLASSROOM — DAY

On my last day of school, I had an unexpectedly memorable conversation with a friend. He was the only person who didn’t stare back at me in shock upon hearing that I was leaving school to restore my mental health. Instead, I blinked back at him in utter confusion when he said, “I’ve been thinking that you and I are surprisingly alike.” My brain, trained through years of debate practice, had already planned out three counter-arguments. Then he explained how both of us were struggling with the fact that, although we are well-rounded in most subjects, we are not talented enough in one single subject to major in it. I had to admit, he was possibly the most similar person I will ever meet. Our conversation ended with him concluding that the adults who pressure us to choose a “safer” path do have a point, since “all of them are highly successful.” I still can’t refute that statement, but if I have a chance to talk to him again, I would like to explain my rationale for choosing to pursue my rather precarious dream in film.

INT. PSYCHIATRIST’S OFFICE — DAY

“Why do you want to become a filmmaker?” my psychiatrist asked. It was the first time anyone asked me that question, and I was glad. Film is the one thing that makes me feel alive. Trapped in a monotonous cycle of walking into school with closed eyes at 8:30 a.m., hurriedly finishing up homework for the next class in an empty classroom during lunchtime, walking back home blindly again at 5:00 p.m., and praying in bed at 3:00 a.m. that the sun will never rise, I felt numb. I couldn’t feel any other emotion besides exhaustion. However, watching films allowed me to experience vicarious joy, pride, excitement, hope, relief, grief, tension, fear, jealousy, and vengeance. I once wrote in my diary that film directors are like orchestra conductors in the way they dress their creations with various emotions. Film directors meticulously orchestrate the cinematographers, camera operators, actors, and editors to achieve the desired emotional effect, thereby reminding people like me that their hearts are still beating. I ended the diary entry concluding that filmmaking must be the most meaningful and beautiful act, at least in my world.

INT. HOME — NIGHT

“Are you sure you want to major in film?” a teacher asked.

“I don’t know what else I would major in.” He looked unimpressed at my response, but it was true. How would I major in anything else when a small compliment in film class made me much prouder than scoring the top of the class in any other subject? After three years of hearing various adults explain the benefits of a stable, lucrative job, I have come to understand their argument: assuming that I live up to at least seventy years, I will have ample time to create films after I retire from a profitable, white-collar profession or after I get married. However, who knows if I will ever get married, or if I will have to continue working after marriage, or if I will die before marriage? Even though I would like to achieve financial success, I don’t want to succeed in a field I’m not passionate about; I don’t get the same adrenaline rush that I do when I picture myself winning an Academy award when I imagine myself receiving a Nobel prize in Physics. With all due respect, I wouldn’t want to swap lives with Elon Musk or Mark Zuckerberg even if I had the chance, for the simple reason that I wouldn’t be happy in their positions. If I am to succeed, I would like to succeed in a field that is personally meaningful.

CUT BACK TO:

INT. FILM CLASSROOM — DAY

Every year on my birthday, an old teacher of mine leaves a happy-birthday note on my Facebook timeline with the same Mark Twain quote: “the two most important days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why.” I ponder about that quote every year, but I haven’t yet found out why I was born. If Mark Twain was alive, I would very much like to phone him and ask how he discovered his reason for life. Nonetheless, I believe that pursuing my dream in film will take me closer to the answer than opting for a “safer” path.

FADE OUT

THE END

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