Shakespearean vaudeville

This one is longer than what I usually post, but we recently read The Two Gentlemen of Verona at Nashville Shakespeare Festival’s Shakespeare Allowed! Although I didn’t really care for the play overall, scenes like the one below are rather remarkable for their almost endless “vaudeville” kind of wordplay.

SPEED
Sir Proteus, save you! Saw you my master?
PROTEUS
But now he parted hence, to embark for Milan.
SPEED
Twenty to one then he is shipp’d already,
And I have play’d the sheep in losing him.
PROTEUS
Indeed, a sheep doth very often stray,
An if the shepherd be a while away.
SPEED
You conclude that my master is a shepherd, then,
and I a sheep?
PROTEUS
I do.
SPEED
Why then, my horns are his horns, whether I wake or sleep.
PROTEUS
A silly answer and fitting well a sheep.
SPEED
This proves me still a sheep.
PROTEUS
True; and thy master a shepherd.
SPEED
Nay, that I can deny by a circumstance.
PROTEUS
It shall go hard but I’ll prove it by another.
SPEED
The shepherd seeks the sheep, and not the sheep the
shepherd; but I seek my master, and my master seeks
not me: therefore I am no sheep.
PROTEUS
The sheep for fodder follow the shepherd; the
shepherd for food follows not the sheep: thou for
wages followest thy master; thy master for wages
follows not thee: therefore thou art a sheep.
SPEED
Such another proof will make me cry ‘baa.’
PROTEUS
But, dost thou hear? gavest thou my letter to Julia?
SPEED
Ay sir: I, a lost mutton, gave your letter to her,
a laced mutton, and she, a laced mutton, gave me, a
lost mutton, nothing for my labour.
PROTEUS
Here’s too small a pasture for such store of muttons.
SPEED
If the ground be overcharged, you were best stick her.
PROTEUS
Nay: in that you are astray, ‘twere best pound you.
SPEED
Nay, sir, less than a pound shall serve me for
carrying your letter.
PROTEUS
You mistake; I mean the pound, — a pinfold.
SPEED
From a pound to a pin? fold it over and over,
’Tis threefold too little for carrying a letter to
your lover.
PROTEUS
But what said she?
SPEED
[First nodding] Ay.
PROTEUS
Nod — Ay — why, that’s noddy.
SPEED
You mistook, sir; I say, she did nod: and you ask
me if she did nod; and I say, ‘Ay.’
PROTEUS
And that set together is noddy.
SPEED
Now you have taken the pains to set it together,
take it for your pains.
PROTEUS
No, no; you shall have it for bearing the letter.
SPEED
Well, I perceive I must be fain to bear with you.
PROTEUS
Why sir, how do you bear with me?
SPEED
Marry, sir, the letter, very orderly; having nothing
but the word ‘noddy’ for my pains.
PROTEUS
Beshrew me, but you have a quick wit.
SPEED
And yet it cannot overtake your slow purse.
PROTEUS
Come come, open the matter in brief: what said she?
SPEED
Open your purse, that the money and the matter may
be both at once delivered.
PROTEUS
Well, sir, here is for your pains. What said she?
SPEED
Truly, sir, I think you’ll hardly win her.
PROTEUS
Why, couldst thou perceive so much from her?
SPEED
Sir, I could perceive nothing at all from her; no,
not so much as a ducat for delivering your letter:
and being so hard to me that brought your mind, I
fear she’ll prove as hard to you in telling your
mind. Give her no token but stones; for she’s as
hard as steel.
PROTEUS
What said she? nothing?
SPEED
No, not so much as ‘Take this for thy pains.’ To
testify your bounty, I thank you, you have testerned
me; in requital whereof, henceforth carry your
letters yourself: and so, sir, I’ll commend you to my master.
PROTEUS
Go, go, be gone, to save your ship from wreck,
Which cannot perish having thee aboard,
Being destined to a drier death on shore.

(The Two Gentlemen of Verona, Act I, Scene 1)

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